What you’ll need:
- 1 or more Wegmans grocery stores
1-3 Saturday (or Tuesday or Thursday, sometimes)
1 car or cheap public transportation alternative.
1 valid driver’s license proclaiming you are “legal”
1-1.5 quart empty and eager stomachs!
Preparation
Step 1: Maneuvering
When picking a great wine to taste at Wegmans, make sure you go to the wine and beer section of the store. Head over to the wine tasting table and make sure not to look like that’s the only reason you are there (even if it is).
Step 2: Communication
“Oh, wine tasting? Well, I might as well,” you say.
“Can I see your ID?” Kelly, the wine keeper, says.
“Oh, sure of course.” You wonder to yourself, do I look desperate? Do I look like a college student that hasn’t eaten all day so I can get the most out of these few drips of free wine that I can’t afford.
“Alright, which would you like to try?” she asks.
“Uhm…all of them.” you say, with a look of confusion on your face. You reassure yourself with a nervous laugh. You are in the right place. Remember, you deserve this, you are an adult. This is what adults do.
“Of course,” she says, noticing your sophisticated taste for wine and sense of calm. “We’ll start with a white from blahblah blahbitty blah…” she says as your selective hearing kicks in and you focus on the wine as it sloshes into the small plastic cup.
[editor’s note: make sure to sniff the wine once or twice then tentatively taste and nod. Finish the rest in a one swig as there will be another tiny plastic cup with another fine wine, this time red. The third will probably be a desert wine, but you’ve got a bit of a buzz already, so it doesn’t really matter.]
Optional: Tell the keeper of the wine that you are actually looking for something a little drier and test your luck on getting another sample.
Cook time: 5 minute power hour (metric)
Step 3: A Cheesy drunk snack
Head over to the cheese area. If they are handing out free samples, be sure to take one. After, approach a different cheese monger and say something like, “Hi, I’m looking for a cheese that would go great with candied walnuts in a spinach salad.” or “Hi, I’m looking to make a grilled cheese, but want something more flavorful than Velveeta in order to impress my future in-laws at their annual grilled cheese cooking contest.” As long as they aren’t busy, the cheese mongers will humor you by letting you try a few cheeses.
[Editor’s note #2: Don’t push your luck with more than three. I’m not sure if they have one of those “do not serve” lists with Polaroids of annoying customers.]
[[Editor’s note #3: If you’d been smart, you would have gone to the cheese first for the free sample, and then the wine, because by the time you get back over to the cheese, the likelihood of them changing the free sample guard is very high.]]
[[[Editor’s note #4: Though, I can understand if you keep the recipe as-is seeing as how wine is more effective on an empty stomach.]]]
Cook time: 5-15 minutes (Standard American)
You have done your research! Can I join you next time?
ahaha hilarious!
Brilliant. Have you also tried out costco? You can get a full meal most days from the various samples.
Alas, I do not have a costco membership card. My parents do, but they don’t want to share. I think they just use it as an incentive for me to hang out with them.
This is hysterical! I don’t drink, but I do understand the art of mooching food from grocery stores. The editors notes are definitely my favorite part.
Great work!
I want to test their Spätlese. But I’m sure they don’t let me just grab a bottle from the rack and say “I wish to try this for free.” =P
Best case scenario the customer is always right. The worst case scenario is that they make up a mean-spirited nickname for you and whisper it amongst themselves every time you go to the wine section. Just pretend that you don’t hear it. Grow a thick outer skin. It may spread throughout the store! but at that point you’d be considered a bona fide wegman’s folk hero and they might let you use an adult-sized tea cup for the free tea samples.